


Better

by Agentrogers17



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abuse, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Domestic Violence, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, F/M, Forced Marriage, Gay Sirius Black, Healing, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, James Potter Being an Asshole, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Miscarriage, Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Overprotective Sirius Black, POV James Potter, Protectiveness, Sirius Black being a sweetheart, St Mungo's Hospital, Young James Potter, Young Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:14:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26791213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agentrogers17/pseuds/Agentrogers17
Summary: James Potter is James Potter. He is stupid, impulsive and when it comes to love, chaos. What happens when he as to face the outcomes of his actions 5 years later, after he ruined the person who was the love of his life? What happens when he has to deal with the fact that the cheerful girl he remembers is merely the shell of herself and barely alive from the abuses of her fiance.
Relationships: Antonin Dolohov/Reader, James Potter & Reader, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, James Potter/Reader, Sirius Black & Reader, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 11
Kudos: 33





	1. Darkness

"Have you seen (Y/N), lately?" I asked, trying to act nonchalant about it. Remus was reading in the middle of the living room, while Sirius was making himself a coffee. 

"Oh, you remembered your other best friend, now that you are dumped?" Sirius sneered at me, not even bothering to look up from what he was doing.

"I am just asking if you have seen her Padfoot, I don't need the sass."

"She didn't need you ignoring her for more than three years, when she was just asking for your friendship, too." Remus supplied. 

"What are your guys' problem with me?" I asked, annoyed at their jerkiness. I knew what their problem was with me. After I started dating Lily four years ago, me and (Y/N) fell away from each other. Well, more like I started ignoring her and giving her cold shoulder, afraid the presence of another female would affect my relationship with Lily. Afraid she would dump me because (Y/N) was this important for me. Well, she still dumped me, and I lost (Y/N). I wanted to make amends for every second I hurt her last two years, but, I couldn't find her. And what was strange was that not being able to find and talk with (Y/N) hurt more than Lily leaving me. 

"Look, Prongs, I know now that you are alone your first reaction is to run to (Y/N), who dealt with your bullshit most of her life, without even complaining. But you pushed her away; you pushed her out of your life. And she has her own life now," Remus said.

"Have you or haven't you seen her?" 

"We haven't," Sirius said, harshly, "because thanks to you, she felt like she would be stealing us from you and stopped talking with us, saying it was for the best. Considering we were her friend group and she didn't have any other close friends, she was left alone, no matter how hard we tried. And now she has to live a life she never wanted to, but couldn't save herself from, because she was bloody alone," 

"Pads!" Remus warned, cutting him off.

"What do you mean a life she never wanted?" I asked, panic rising in my chest. What did they do to (Y/N), who did what to her?

"Arranged marriage," Sirius said, "with Dolohov."

"Dolohov is a Death Eater!" I said. (Y/N) could not get married to Dolohov, (Y/N) could not get married in general.

"Perfect for her bloody parents," Sirius scoffed, "And thanks to you she had no escape, she had to say yes."

"You don't know that, she always had an escape, she could come to..."

"You? For you to slam the bloody door on her face? I would be passing that option, too."

"When is the wedding?" I asked.

"Prongs, whatever you are thinking, don't. You hurt her enough; she is in enough pain, don't do anything that will hurt and endanger her even further," Remus explained calmly.

"What do you mean, endanger her?" I asked. The silence was deafening. I could see in my peripheral how hard Sirius was squeezing the counter, how white his knuckles were from it. And Remus looked lost, his eyes fixed on some point on the wall. 

"Remus! Sirius!" I said.

"He abuses her," Sirius whispered, voice colder than ice.

"He what?"

"He hits her," he repeated, his cold grey eyes meeting mine for the first time since the topic became (Y/N), "Regulus wrote me, the first time the engagement was decided. Even my bloody ex-Death Eater brother was worried for her, while you were busy, sogging another girl, ignoring the one who was with you since you were bloody born. I went to her. I wanted to save her, hell I even told her I would marry her if it meant she would be free from that arse. She was bruised, all over, her lip split, still bleeding. And it wasn't even the worst part; the worst was her eyes—the look she had like she'd given up. She didn't even consider getting out; she didn't want to. She was done. The girl is barely 24, and she already gave up on her own life." I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but I could feel the tears burning my eyes. (Y/N) was trapped in an engagement she didn't want, and the arsehole of a man she had to call fiance was hurting her. And I didn't even know about it, my bloody best friend, who met her because she was my best friend, was there to try and save her. He was the one who asked her to marry him, to save her, he was the one who ran to her the moment he heard she was in danger. And I was the reason she lost hope. I was the reason she was alone. 

"Where is she?"

"Leave her James," Remus said firmly, "we tried, we have been trying for weeks now. Dolohov hurts her even more, whenever one of us visit, the next time she is bleeding more, she is beaten more. We had to stop. We had to stop because Merlin only knows if she would be alive if we pushed a little more. Dolohov is cruel, and since the was is over since they lost, he takes it all on her. She doesn't want to escape, because thanks to you, she is scared to be abandoned once more if she runs. I am done, trying to act like she will be okay, she won't, she will probably end up dead because Dolohov will go too hard, or she won't be able to do it anymore and will hurt yourself. And I am begging you, stop giving her false hope, as if you won't forget her the moment another Lily will catch your eye. You are my brother James. You'll always be, but I won't be able to forgive you if her death is caused because of you."

"But, she is being hurt," I whispered, not being able to stop the shake of my hands, or the feeling of betrayal I felt that Remus and Sirius let (Y/N) go, just like I did for the last four years.

"She was being hurt for four years," Sirius scoffed, "Just the last six months it also became physical."

He left with those words, Remus gave out a sigh after his boyfriend's departure. 

"How do I fix this?" I said, sitting next to him, pulling on the roots of my hair. Hating the way I left her, hating even the thought I imagined the fear she was constantly living in, the pain, the loneliness. 

"You can't. It is too late. And even if it wasn't, I am not sure we would've let you," he said honestly.

"What?"

"She loved you, James. She loved you more than she did herself. And she never expected anything from you. She was content with your friendship. She was content with being there for you, hoping one day you'd be there for her, too. But the moment Lily gave you a part of her attention, you tossed her away as if she was some kind of a toy, you were done playing with. She spent the first 17 years of her life for you, being there for you, being your best friend, and she was left all alone the moment you got yourself a girlfriend. And Lily didn't even ask you to do that, Lily liked (Y/N), she enjoyed her friendship. You cast her away with no reason and acted like she did not exist. You can't ask her to return back to be your life support the moment you are without a girlfriend. Sirius is right, you get her back and what is next? What will you do the moment you'll get a new girlfriend? Is she to find herself a new life, because you are attracted to a new girl? Once is enough, she was hurt by you enough."

"She is in physical danger!"

"You haven't seen her James, you are thinking about the girl who you abandoned when she was 17. She has changed; she was hurt too many times and too much to resist the change. She is depressed; she doesn't have the life to live; she doesn't have the will to even think of a future she would want. Sirius doesn't know this, but (Y/N) wrote her will last month. She is just waiting for her death. She gave up."

"She can't give up," I sobbed, "Remus, no, I have to save her. Let's kidnap her; she still can have a life. She can't die."

"It is too late," Remus said, looking away.

"I will fight Dolohov then. I will kill him if it is needed to."

"It is not just about Dolohov anymore," he breathed.

"What?"

"(Y/N) is pregnant, James. Dolohov forced himself on her. She is three months pregnant, that's why she wrote her will. She doesn't expect to survive her childbirth."

"No," I sobbed, realising the severeness of the situation. She carried the heir of the Dolohov family, even if Antonin dies, even if his whole family dies, sacred 28 won't give up that child. They are getting married in two months. We lost her. It is over," he said, voice hoarse with grief. It was not over. I was going to save her even if it would cost my own life. 

***

I knew where she lived, of course, I knew. There were many regrets in my life, the biggest being letting her go. But, I had my reasons, even though it didn't justify what I did to her, how much pain it caused her. I hurt her, trying not to hurt myself. But looking at every action I did, every step I took last years, I wish I would have chosen to hurt myself rather than her. She was being abused. She got raped, Merlin knows what kind of pains she had to endure with the monster of a man Dolohov was. I was sitting on a bench in the park, having a clear view of her house. I could see her some times in the garden. The first time I saw, the first time I saw her after five years. Merlin, my heartbeat a lot faster, breaking at the same time. My darling girl. She was wearing a black dress, hugging her curvaceous body. Her belly not prominent yet. She looked sad. She looked like a melancholic painting. Sad, sorrowful but beautiful. Gorgeous even. Remus was right; the woman in the garden was not the girl I treasured in depths of my mind. The girl I remembered was full of energy, happiness, life. And the woman, I have hurt for years now, was everything opposite of that. I watched her as she sat in an old chair in the garden, looked at the flowers surrounding her, with dull eyes, and tight lips. What have I done? I kept asking myself, over and over again. The sombre peace of the woman was interrupted as her fiance, bloody Dolohov, got out of the house. He had a scowl written all over his sharp feature. He made his way to her, way taller than her. He said something to her, his eyes cold and piercing. His features were harsh. The conversation did not look pleasant, but she answered in a calm, emotionless manner, and suddenly Dolohov grabbed her arm, squeezing it with no remorse, a second of pain went through her beautiful face, but it returned to its neutral state in few. Dolohov was dragging her up the stairs of the house's entrance, and she didn't even fight. She let him, pull and push her, she let him hurt her. I could feel my nails breaking the skin of my palms, drawing blood as I held myself from going there. Around 15 minutes later she was back, her hair dishevelled, blood running down the corner of her brow, her jaw had marks of fingers from where the arsehole probably grabbed her. I could see how she was favouring one arm, careful not to move it as she made her way back to her chair. But what hurt, was not the clear evidence of physical abuse she had to endure a couple of minutes ago as I sat several feet away, but the same neutral expression she carried in her face, the dullness of her eyes. My (Y/N) was gone, and I was one of the killers who took her chance to live. 

I couldn't stop after that. I couldn't stop stalking her house. With a hope to see a moment of expression change, to be the excuse for me to intervene, a step she would take towards the street, that would show she wanted to run away, and I would help her get away from this hell, she had to call house. But it never happened. It had been a month now, and her belly now had a slight difference in size and shape, holding a much rounder position. It never stopped Dolohov, though. He kept hurting her every day, sometimes multiple times a day. And she always returned to sit on that chair and watch those flowers with dull eyes, and blood dripping down her face. 

"Give up already," I heard. Sirius was standing right next to me, avoiding to look at the house, probably very aware of the scene he would see. Probably tired and defeated of the scene he would have to see. 

"I can't," I whispered.

"You gave up on her for five years, what changed now? Go find yourself a new bird, certainly; she wouldn't matter to you anymore."

"She will always matter," I said.

"You didn't blink an eye when you cast her away from your life, Potter. Stop acting as if you care, because you learned the consequences of your actions. It is guilt; it is not caring. It is the heaviness of being an arsehole and taking a life." 

"She is not dead," I said.

"Does she look living to you?" he asked. And the first time since the beginning of this conversation, I lifted my head to meet his eyes. I have never seen Sirius looking more in pain in my whole life, even the night he escaped his parents' house. 

"I..."

"I can't, James. I can understand everything. I can forgive everything you did and would do, but, this. That girl there used to be our best friend, used to be your best friend. And now, she is sitting there. Her jaw bone probably cracked, her lip split from Merlin knows how many points, her shoulder either dislocated or worse, broken—carrying a spawn of her rapist. And she doesn't even shed a tear. She probably ran out of them months ago. And I know, now that you have free time, you remembered all the good times you spent with her and decided to run to your comfort blanket. But let the girl die in peace, once in your life, stop being selfish."

"I was in love with her," I whispered, "I still am."

"Sod off, Potter," Sirius hissed, "I am done with your shit, I am bloody done with you. Stop trying to make everything about your bloody damn arse. She is being abused, raped and hurt on a daily basis. And you are trying to still, make it your sob story. You are not the bloody victim in this, Potter; you are the killer. When she dies, and like it or not, we both know she doesn't have much left, not in this environment, not with that man. When she dies, the blood will not be on Dolohov's hands; it will be on yours. Put any woman or man with Dolohov, the result won't change, but you are the one who caused (Y/N) to be in this position. You are the reason why she is the one who gets Dolohov's hits. You are the reason she will die in pain, without living a day of happiness in her adult life."

***

Sirius wasn't talking to me; he wasn't talking to anyone except Remus. I still watched (Y/N) from the park every day. Watching her pregnancy progress, watching her get hurt, watching the scars and bruises cover more and more of her skin. And slowly, the idea of death started to cover my mind, too. Sirius was right, (Y/N) didn't have much to live, and I didn't see even a shadow of a smile on her lips all these weeks. At night the image of her dead body, laying in the pool of her own blood, the eyes never changed. Her beautiful (E/C) eyes, once filled with life and joy, dull and lifeless, like every day of her current life. 

"Don't go there, Prongs," Remus whispered, it was two days after the full moon, he looked drained.

"I have to."

"No. No, you don't. I know what Sirius said, I know he is right but, going there every day, watching her getting hurt, watching her and not being able to do anything isn't doing good for anyone. Neither you, her or anybody else."

"I can't leave her."

"You already did, James."

"She could die," I whispered.

"She will die," he corrected, "She will die, and you have to accept that. You have to accept it because there is no other way. Do you think it was easy for me? For Sirius? We have been dealing with this for the last five years. We have been trying to hold onto her for years, to keep her afloat. But, she couldn't, not with the fact that her best friend, the boy who she loved, abandoned her with no reason, no explanation a week after he got a girlfriend. The engagement was harder to accept, because even before it was official, all three of us, we knew this was what was going to happen. We knew she would end up dead, before even seeing her 30s or even late 20s. And we had to live with that. You'll have to, too."

"It is not the same."

"Yes, we were not the one who pushed her into this situation. We are not the ones who caused her death."

"I love her Remus."

"No, you don't. You can't. If you love her and loved her all this time if she is in this place because you loved her all along. That is messed up James. No."

"I was in love with her since 5th grade."

"What the bloody hell are you twaddling about? You were in love with Lily. You annoyed everyone with it. You hurt her with it."

"I was in love with (Y/N). I always loved her but barely understood what it meant, what it means, only later. But I was scared, I was terrified, we both have been so young, and the feelings I felt for her, the things she made me think, I couldn't handle it. And Lily, Lily was a beautiful, nice girl, who I could easily love. And I did, I loved Lily, part of me still does. But it never was as intense as what I felt towards (Y/N), so I dated her. Because I couldn't handle the thought of having (Y/N) and it not being forever. I knew she was, still is the love of my life."

"Get out," Remus hissed, "take your shit and leave this bloody house. And don't ever, do you hear me, ever come back."

"Remus I,"

"No. I won't live with the man who was too scared of his emotions and caused all this to her. I don't ever want to see you again. You disgust me."

***

I was staying in the Leaky Cauldron, both Sirius and Remus have stopped speaking with me. I was still visiting her house every day; she was around seven months pregnant now. Even more sad and drained than usual. I was watching the most important woman in my life, melting away. 

Today, I felt even more uneasy than any other day I had, watching her getting hurt. Something was wrong, but she looked the same as she did every day of the past weeks. Sad, beaten, pregnant, beautiful. But my chest hurt, I couldn't sit still, my leg was bouncing, my hands shaking. Something was happening. And Dolohov emerged, suddenly, grabbing her, pulling her inside, like every other day. But minutes later, something I could never imagine happened, I wasn't even looking to the second floor of the house, focused on the entrance door, from where she would emerge from. It was a movement; the reflection of light changed as a window opened harshly. And suddenly (Y/N) was pushed out of the window, making contact with the ground in a blink of an eye. I apparated to the house, and Dolohov just smiled at me from the window upstairs.

"I am done with the whore. I found a better one, kill the bastard if it isn't dead yet," was the last thing I head as I apparated to the hospital with her in my arms.

***

The baby was gone, as expected, (Y/N) was barely alive. I haven't left her side since she was out of the surgery. Laying on her hospital bed, unmoving, almost like a corpse. I made sure Ministry knew, I alerted Dumbledore, I alerted everyone who could help, giving them my memories for the Pensieve. I knew Dolohov was sent to Azkaban, right next to Pettigrew. I owled Sirius and Remus, too. But, by the time it was taking them to visit, it was clear they didn't read it, probably burned it as soon as the owl dropped it by the window. So I wrote to them every day. They had to read it at some point, didn't they? I would have gone to their house, our house, but I couldn't leave her. Now that she was next to me, I wasn't going to leave; even if she kicked me out, I would stay around, I would make sure she was okay, she was alright. I caressed her soft hair, as she rested, restored her strength, I talked with her, even though she probably couldn't hear me. I would hold onto her small hand, as I slept on the chair next to her bed. The broken bones, her ribs, her spine were fixed with a spell, her torn flesh stitched together, her bruises fading every passing they. 

"You look bloody gorgeous, you know," I whispered, caressing the soft skin under her chin, following the line of her jaw bone. Thumb brushing the corner of her mouth. "I know you probably feel like death itself right now, but you are bloody beautiful. Always were. Even coming back from the brink of death, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I owe you so many explanations. So many apologies. I owe you so much, darling. I love you so much. We need to talk about so many things. I just need you to wake up for me, my love. I just need you to wake up and smile at me. I need you to look at me with those gorgeous eyes."

I rested my forehead on her knuckles, I pressed a kiss to her wrist, enjoying the heat of her skin, the softness against my lips. Her touch always healed me. Her touch made every headache go away. Her hugs would make me forget every problem I had. And I did this to her. I did this. I hurt her. I caressed her knuckles with the tips of my fingers. 

"You always had soft hands," I said, "Not the plumpness," I laughed, imagining her answering ' I am fat?', "The skin. You always had the softest skin. Softest hair, softest voice, warmest hugs. I miss you so much, darling. And it is all my fault, but I miss you so bloody much. So bloody much, sweet girl. The most, the most I miss your smile, how it always made my heart miss a beat. It has been so long since I have seen you smile since I have heard your honey laugh."

I pressed a kiss on top of her head, getting up to get myself some coffee. She loved coffee. She loved its smell; maybe it would motivate her to open those pretty eyes. And I hadn't sleep in some time now. I needed the caffeine kick. 

As I was paying for the coffee, I noticed two familiar heads, a blonde one and a dark curly one. They were asking for (Y/N), and not caring about the reaction I was to get.

"Pads, Moony!" I said, and they turned to face me. Remus had a soft look in his eyes, an understanding look, while Sirius held a harder look. "She is in room 2187."

"And what are you doing here? Liked one of the nurses?" Sirius hissed.

"I am here for (Y/N)," I said, it wouldn't be easy to make Sirius forgive me, (Y/N) was his sister in his mind. He wouldn't forgive or forget how much I hurt the girl. 

"How long do you plan to stay? Until the next redhead comes to your life?" 

"Sirius, let's focus on (Y/N/N), now," Remus said, linking his fingers with his boyfriend's. 

"I am focusing on (Y/N/N). I don't want her to wake up to the false hopes that he will stay."

"I love her Sirius," I whispered. Both men tensed. Remus stopped Sirius before he could speak, by squeezing his hand. 

"How is she?" Remus asked, changing the topic.

"She lost the baby. That bastard, he pushed her from the window, the second floor. She fell face first, the baby didn't even have the chance. All of her ribs were either broken or cracked. Her spine was damaged, her collarbones too. Her face messed up, nose, left browbone, part of her jaw broken, skull cracked. Many of her internal organs damaged. They fixed everything. She still has some scars and bruises; time will heal. She didn't wake up yet; healers said she needs to recover fully to wake up. Not just the injuries and scars, but her flesh needs to recover from the abuse. She will wake up when she is ready."

"He pushed her?" Sirius hissed.

"He did. The knob was laughing after he did it, he even said 'I am done with the whore. I found a better one, kill the bastard if it isn't dead yet.' when he saw me. He didn't even bother come downstairs. He watched her bleed on the garden floor."

"Fucking bastard!" Remus muttered. I took them to her room. She still was sleeping like a princess. 

"Hi (Y/N/N)," I smiled, rubbing her shoulder, "Look who came to visit?" 

Sirius and Remus sat next to her, one on her left one on her right. Remus resting a hand on her knee, rubbing her knee cap. Sirius sat right next to her middle, holding her smaller hand on his, pressing a long kiss to her palm. 

"Hello, beautiful," he whispered, his long locks were hiding his eyes, but we all knew he was crying. (Y/N) was the first person he came out to, she was the sibling he gained when he lost Regulus. She was with him in his every step, "I am so angry at you, I am so, so mad at you." his cheek was resting on her hand, "I am also so man at myself, and these two pricks. We should have been better, Doudou. We shouldn't have let you do this to yourself, just because Potter is an arsehole, you shouldn't have suffered. You shouldn't have lost a baby, darling."

Sirius didn't let her go until the visiting hours were over. Remus just watched his boyfriend fall apart, knowing neither me nor him would be able to separate him from the sleeping girl. Sirius brushed her hair with his fingers, hands hovering over the darker marks covering her bruised skin. Sirius was drained, when Remus told him it was time to go home, it wasn't easy, to see the girl we all loved in different ways, beaten, bruised, her body suffering from broken bones, a miscarriage, months of abuse. 

"Are you staying?" Remus asked, we both watching Sirius as he stood a few steps away from us in the middle of the corridor. His hands tucked in his pockets, his eyes stormy and dull, focused on some far point. 

"I am," I nodded, "I don't want her to wake up alone, after what she went through."

"Are you sure about this, James?" he asked, "She can't take another heartbreak from you. If there is even a little bit of possibility that you'd leave her, please don't. We can take care of her. We can make sure she is okay. But, if you are going to be involved with her, please make sure you'll stay."

***

It was my new normal now, to talk to her, read to her, hold her hand as I slept in that godawful chair, resting my head on her plush arm. The scars and marks were fading, the discolouration almost gone. Her beautiful face was now clearer.

"I know I never told you. I never had the guts, really," I whispered, caressing her round cheek, following the line of her cheekbone down to her jawbone, "I was in love with you, I still am. And I think I always will be in love with you. I made this whole thing a mess. I caused so much pain for you. But you need to know, darling. There wasn't a moment in my life when I didn't love you. Your place here," I whispered, pressing her cool hand right on top of my heart, "Your place here, was always solid. But I was a coward, can't tell if I am not a coward right now. If you weren't hurt, if you hadn't got this much hurt, Merlin knows if I could ever confess. Even right now, it is easy to confess because you are sleeping. Merlin knows I will start sobbing the moment you open those pretty eyes. I will break apart. I need to explain everything to you, Lily, especially. She liked you, you know. She wanted to be friends with you, have you in her life, who wouldn't? But I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't have you that close and love Lily. The things I felt for you, I still feel for you, it is like sun, hot, burning, non-ignorable. And with Lily, it was easy. I loved her, not the way I loved you. I thought I could fall in love with her, but in every moment I spent with her, in the back of my mind I couldn't stop imagining it would feel to live that with you. How beautiful you'd look every morning, how sweet you'd taste, how much I could love you, every second of every day. But it was too much (Y/N/N), the love I felt for you, it felt like it was burning me, destroying me. And I was just 16, what did I know, how could I know you are the one for me. How could I dare to assume that you'd want to spend your life with me?" I took a deep breath, pressing a kiss to her forehead, "I am rambling, aren't I? I am rambling like always. I am dumb. But you already know that, darling."

I brushed the locks of hair falling onto her forehead. I kissed her knuckles. "I won't leave you, ever again, darling. I will never leave you again. I will protect you from everything, I promise."

***

She didn't wake up to me, no, she woke up to Sirius and I couldn't deny the rage and jealousy, that rose from deep inside me. She woke up, but she didn't talk. Sirius was right by her side, as healers checked everything, explained everything. But she didn't even utter a word. She never made eye contact with any of us. Her eyes fixed on her hands and nowhere else. She was clear to be taken home, and I was moving back with Remus and Sirius. We had a free room, Sirius' old room, now that he stayed in Remus' room. 

"Has she said anything to you?" I asked, one morning, Sirius was upstairs with (Y/N), helping her with her breakfast and Remus and I were having the first coffee of our day. 

"No," he sighed, "She is not getting better. She is closing off even more if that is possible."

"Does she talk with Sirius?" Sirius was still angry at me, and we barely talked.

"Not that I know of," he shook his hand, "From what I have seen, it is mostly Sirius who is talking to her. But she reacts to him like she doesn't to you or me. She holds his hand. She curls into him. When I try to hold her hand, it is flat in mine. She doesn't grip back; she doesn't react."

"She always liked Sirius," I scoffed.

"Oh, Merlin, James. Sirius is the gayest person I know, trust me, I am dating the lad."

"It is not about that."

"It is about you being jealous of the connection Sirius and (Y/N) have."

"I was her best friend."

"And you were the one who left her for the first girlfriend you ever found. And Sirius was her best friend too. And, he actually tried to stay her best friends for years after you sent her away."

"What about you? Why is she not responding that well to you?"

"I am not as affectionate as him, Prongs. Sirius is good with his emotions. It is easy for him to show his love. I am much conservative in that case. And in cases of post-trauma, it is easier for the victim to bond with one person rather than multiple."

"Stop calling her the victim."

"She has been abused for months and almost killed after being pushed off a window. She is the victim in this case."

"What will we do, Moony? How can we make things better for her?"

"We will leave things to Sirius, right now. I know it is hard for you James, you are facing the emotions you have been suppressing for years, but it is about making (Y/N) better, giving you your happy ending will have to wait."

***

I was listening to her and Sirius. I could see from the crack, how she was curled into his chest, Sirius resting an arm around her soft body, her face gently tucked into his neck, their hair mixed where his cheek was resting on top of her head. She was playing with his slender fingers, as Sirius was talking to her about his day. She didn't reply verbally, but she would nod at him, or curl further into him. 

"I will make you smile, Doudou, I promise," he whispered, "We will be like we used to be. You'll be happy. I will make sure you are."


	2. Healing

It took (Y/N) almost a month to leave her room for a meal. Her small, plump hand in Sirius' slender one. The man more than gentle with the curvy woman, Remus gave her a soft smile, knowing how much she was hurting and how much she meant to his boyfriend. I couldn't tear my eyes away from her round, sombre figure, her face even more picturesque under the morning light. Remus kicked my shin under the table and motion for me to look somewhere else. Sirius made her some tea; he was refraining from giving her coffee not to increase her anxiety. She didn't complain, she never complained actually. He kissed her head softly, encouraging her to eat. She nodded a quiet thank you to the sharp-featured man. He gave her a gentle smile, turning to eat his own breakfast. Remus had turned on the radio, the soft music filling the silence, he knew slow tunes soothed her soul. I kept watching her from my peripheral as Remus was telling something about the bookshop he was working at. By her posture, I could tell she was listening, she was interested and listening. 

"Would like to visit the bookshop, (Y/N/N)?" he asked, gently, bending his head a bit to meet the girl's (E/C) eyes, behind her soft hair, "Not today, or not next week, necessarily whenever you feel like it. Padsy can accompany you. It is not a crowded or a chaotic place. I think you would like it there." She lifted her pretty face to meet the man's green eyes. And nodded softly, which earned her a caring smile from the man. Sirius was watching the interaction with a loving look in his eyes. She never met my eyes; she never stood close to me as she did with Sirius. 

"Do you want to visit today, Doudou?" Sirius asked, squeezing her hand. She nodded shyly, and Sirius beamed at the soft girl. 

*** 

Remus left earlier than us, so he could open up the shop, and we were to join him later. (Y/N) was wearing soft trousers with a large sweater. Her hair pulled into a soft bun. I smiled at her beauty, her jacket in my hand. I knew she wouldn't talk to me; she probably wouldn't even look at me. But I moved to her to help her put on the jacket. She whispered a quiet 'thank you', and for a moment I thought I imagined it. But I would recognise her voice anywhere, even when it was barely above a whisper. She still wasn't making eye contact with me. But, by the way Sirius' brows lifted, I knew he heard her too. 

"I just remembered, I need to pick something up for the Moony. Prongs can you apparate with (Y/N/N)? I will follow the two of you in ten minutes."

I offered her my hand, and her soft skin met mine, my heart fluttering. I smiled at her and pulled my wand apparating us both to a quiet corner close to Remus' bookshop. I offered my arm, and the first time in months, her beautiful doe eyes met mine. 

"It is a few minutes of walk," I smiled at her, "You are beautiful," I couldn't help myself, her eyer grew wild, "I am sorry. It is just. I know it is hard for you, and I know it is not the time, I have to explain myself, explain everything. Whenever you feel ready, we can talk, but until then you have to know, I am sorry for everything, and you mean a lot to me. More than anything ever did. And this time I won't be a prick, I will stay," I promised, and she diverted her eyes, "I promise, love." I whispered, and we walked to the bookshop. Remus was shocked to see us without Sirius. I informed him that Sirius would be here in a few. Remus went to prepare some tea, as (Y/N)'s round figure disappeared between the shelves of books. I could hear her silent steps, her little fingers grasping random books, touching the book covers. 

"What really happened?" Remus whispered.

"She talked," I said, smiling. 

"She talked?"

"Yes, I helped her into her jacket, and she thanked me."

"And Sirius?" 

"He made up some excuse; he is a shitty liar."

"Do you think she is better?"

"She will get better. I will make sure of it."

***

After a couple more months (Y/N) was talking, not as much as she used to, but still talking. She was more open with Remus and me now. She wasn't as dependant on Sirius as she used to be. Sirius still was fussing over the girl and making sure she had everything she needed. It was Sirius and Remus' date night, and we were alone at home. (Y/N) was in the kitchen, baking some cookies. Baking relaxed her, helped her ease her mind. And I didn't mind the few kilos I put on munching on the girl's delicious treats. 

"Chocolate chip?" I asked, filling the kettle with some water to boil some for tea. Her pretty hair now braided loosely, a large home dress adorning her curvy figure. She nodded softly, "Need some help, love?" I asked, standing closer to her now, my chest touching her shoulders, barely, but enough to feel her body heat. She lifted her face to look at me; she nodded. Merlin, if I could kiss her right now. Merlin if I could draw her into my arms, hold her until I couldn't anymore. 

"How are you feeling darling girl?" I asked, washing and drying my hands and shaping the cookies with her. I was right by her side, our arms brushing against each other. 

"Usual," she whispered.

"You are safe here; you know that, right? You are always safe with me. You always will be."

"James," she said, hesitating, her voice skittish. 

"You can tell me anything, darling, ask me anything. Never be scared of talking with me, never hesitate," I tried to encourage her. 

"Why are you not with Lily anymore? You loved her."

"I did," I nodded, "but, I never was in love with her. And Lils is a smart woman. She knew I was in love with another. And she waited for years, I don't really know what she hoped for, but maybe for me to love her deeper, but it didn't happen, and we both knew she deserved someone who would worship the ground she walks, and she asked to end it. I didn't put up much resistance."

"Why were you with her, then? If you weren't in love with her? I thought you were."

"I was scared," I confessed.

"Scared of what?"

"The intensity. The girl I was in love with, whom I still am in love with, she made me feel so many emotions darling. It was too intense, too hot, too burning. And I was just a young lad. I had no idea how to react to the feeling of having my heart beating too fast or the way my whole body yearned to feel her against me, to fill my lungs with her."

"Why are you not with her then?" she asked softly, her smaller hands rolling the dough into a ball, to press it flat on the tray. 

"Who said I am not with her?" I asked gently, her (E/C) eyes meeting mine in a questioning gaze. 

"You have been at home with us mostly. I think I would notice a woman in the house."

"Hmm," I hummed, pulling some dough to roll, "You would be shocked to know how many things we don't notice."

"What?" she asked, a guarded look in her eyes. I reached to hold her smaller hand in mine, our fingers sticky with dough, but I couldn't care less at that second. I was holding her hand. 

"We will talk about it later, eh?" I asked, knowing she was not mentally ready for anything further than friendship at this moment. Even though her physical wounds healed, her eyes still carried a severe amount of pain. 

"James," she tried to object, but I shook my head, pulling her to my chest, hugging her close, pressing a kiss on top of her head. She was gently tucked under my chin. Her soft body was perfectly fitting against my sturdier one. My arm around her back, holding her close, her chest resting just below mine. The softness of her chest moulding below my ribcage. Her ear pressed tight against my peck. My heart was beating much faster, and I knew she was hearing it, loud and clear. And I didn't care at this point. I wanted her to know. I needed her to know how excited she got me, how she flustered me. 

"Want to watch some telly, after we put these in the oven?" I asked, and she nodded. And a few minutes later, we were on the coach. I pulled her towards me, letting her rest against my chest. There was some period romance, as she was more comfortable physically, well, with three of us, she still got anxious when someone other than us tried to touch her. I hated how he flinched at loud noises. I hated how she tried to make herself smaller when someone raised their hands too high. We learned how not to trigger her. We learned how to be more careful around her. Currently, her thick legs were curled under her ample bottom, her round torso leaned against mine, curled under my arm—her soft cheek resting against my shoulder. I enjoyed how her hair was tickling the skin of my jaw. I couldn't stop my fingertips touching her bare arm, enjoying the softness of her skin, following the stretch marks adorning her upper arms. 

"Are you sleepy, darling?" I asked, she just hummed softly. Turning her face, burying into my chest. Fuck. Beautiful woman. I pulled her closer. She breathed out a soft huff, her arm found its way around my middle, snuggling into me. I whispered a wandless spell, pulling the neared quilt and covered the sleeping girl with it. She looked comfortable. I changed my position a bit, so her neck would be in a better position. I wanted to pull her even closer, where there won't even be a molecule of air separating us. I stayed awake until the cookies were done, turning off the oven with magic. I buried my face in her soft hair, falling asleep myself. 

I woke up to whispers and a sound of slapping. I didn't open my eyes yet, knowing Pads and Moony had the funniest whisper fights. 

"Stop munching on the bloody cookies, Pads!" Remus whispered, "you are going to wake them up."

"Well, I am sorry, but they should be waking up. What is Prongs bloody doing with her?"

"Napping. You know she gets tired easily; she is still healing."

"Exactly, Rem, she is healing. She is still hurt; she is still dealing with the after-effects of abuse. She is too vulnerable for him to use her like this again. She can't take another heartbreak."

"Siri," 

"No, Remus, I am serious. Hasn't he done enough? I am okay with them being friends. I am okay with them hanging out. But it is the same pattern. He will act like he cares and then what will happen the another Lily walks in? Where will she kick her out? Where will she go? She almost died Remus. She almost died, she lost a baby, her rapist's baby, but still a baby—a fully formed bloody human."

"Sirius," Remus whispered softly. 

"I can't lose her again Remus," Sirius carried a tone of sorrow I never heard before, "She is my sister, you know how much she means to me. Haven't we suffered enough?"

"He loves her," Remus tried to support me. 

"He loves the comfort she provides. He loves the fact that she is there."

"Wrong," I whispered, not being able to hold myself, but careful enough not to disturb the girl curled into my chest, "You are wrong Pads."

"Am I?" he hissed, "Look at her and tell me you love her. Look at how bloody broken and hurt she is and tell me you did it out of love. Just tell me you won't hurt her again because some bird will walk into your life and it will be easier to love choice."

"I..." I stuttered.

"Exactly," he said. Moving to us, pulling (Y/N) to himself, lifting the plump girl in his arms to carry her to her room. Remus took in a deep breath, sitting next to me.

"What are you doing, James? You need to decide. You need to decide if you want her or you don't want her."

"I love her Remus," I whispered. I loved her; that was the truth. I did love her with all my heart. My bloody heart was beating for her. But I still was a coward. And I still hurt her so bad.

"Then do something about it. I want you to be happy. I want you to make her happy. The lass deserves it more than anyone. Sirius is right, we don't really talk a lot about it, but she did lose her baby. No matter who the father was, how the baby was conceived. It was her baby. I know she talked with Sirius about it, but I have no bloody idea what they talked about it."

"I just don't know what to do Remus," I sobbed, "I love her so much, and she is so pure, so beautiful. And I am scared of how much I could fall for her even more, how I could lose myself in her. Merlin, I never felt like this, I never was scared of falling in love. Because with her, it will be the last one. If I fall for her, if I let myself feel all the things I want to feel towards her, there will be no other person or feeling that can save me from its burning. There is no one who can keep me sane if something happens to her. And I am scared," I spit a humourless laugh, "I am so scared, Remus."

"James, we all are scared. Do you think I am not scared of something happening to Sirius? Or he is not scared something will happen to me? Hell, you just saw how much Sirius is afraid of losing (Y/N/N), and he is not even in love with her. Loving someone, in any way, means we are scared and at least at risk of being hurt. But, what is life without a risk? And the possibility of you losing her is very low, well unless you'll fuck up, which will happen if you keep acting this way. But you losing her because of danger and something like that, won't happen, you are here, I am here, hell Sirius will go on a killing spree if someone even looks wrong at the girl. We will be here for her and each other, we are here to keep her safe and sane. The only thing that is standing in front of you is yourself. Stop being scared of loving her; she is a beautiful woman, an amazing woman, who also was your best friend for years. You know her soul, you yearn for her soul. And you desire for her body pretty obviously."

"She is gorgeous," I whispered, "You like women too, you can't judge me."

"The issue is not liking women Prongs," he laughed, "The issue is you going crazy at every time she steps into a room and doing nothing."

"She is a goddess."

***

I was holding her smaller hand in mine as we strolled inside the market. She still varied of other people, so, she stood close to me. I enjoyed her round shoulder, brushing against my arm. We were on our weekly grocery shopping. Remus was redecorating his bookshop, and Sirius was helping him, which left me with my darling girl. 

"We should buy some chocolate for Remmy," she whispered, looking at me, I nodded at her. Smiling at the roundness of her cheeks. I bent down to press a small kiss to her forehead, putting an arm around her shoulders, letting her rest against my body. I still hadn't talked to her about my love and wanting her. But, we were much more physical now. She was bolder; she would start the physical contacts, she would curl into Remus or me, she would cuddle with Sirius without us initiating the contact first. Merlin, the words couldn't describe how proud of the girl I was. After picking everything we needed, and some things we didn't, we found a quiet spot to apparate. We were alone at home, as expected, and we put the groceries away together. I was watching her in my peripheral. Her soft, melodic movements were lulling me to her. 

"Would you like some tea?" she asked, moving to get the tea, which was on the upper shelf that she couldn't reach, it probably was Remus who placed it, being the giant he is. Although it was the cutest thing watching her trying to reach, on her tippy toes, the sweet girl needed some help. I moved behind her and reached for the tea, my arm brushing hers. My body was caging her rounder one, between me and the counter. I could hear her breath hitching as my chest grazed her back, and my breath hitched when my hips brushed against her full bottom. 

"Sorry," I whispered, feeling her shudder as my breath hit the soft skin of her neck. She turned around, to look at me with soft eyes. Her face beautiful, a shy, innocent gleam shining. 

"Thank you," she said, eyeing the tea, which was long forgotten, my brain short-circuiting the moment her body touched mine. 

"Of course," I whispered, still mesmerised by the close proximity and the intimacy of the moment. 

"James," she whispered, looking at me through her curved lashes, Merlin, how could a witch be this beautiful from inside out. 

"Can I kiss you?" I whispered, my brain already offline, I needed to kiss her, I needed to taste her sweet lips. I knew it still was early, I knew it was a bad idea, and Godric knows Sirius was going to stab me when he learned. But I couldn't care less right now; I was to kiss her if she'd let me. And she did. She nodded softly. I was bending towards her as she met me halfway. Her hand was resting on my chest, my both hands firm on her meaty hips. I pulled her to myself, her round bosom resting against my ribs. 

"Fuck," I whispered diving once more into her lips. She whimpered softly against me, one of her hands, went to the back of my neck, fingers curling into my hair, tugging it gently. 

"Be mine?" I asked, softly, "Be mine," I begged. 

"James," she whispered chest heaving, fingers still curled in my hair. I rested my forehead against hers. 

"I love you, I always loved you, so bloody much darling." I whispered, now that I got a taste of her sweet lips, afraid to lose her, afraid to not be able ever to touch her again, confession spilling from my lips, the dam broken now, "I loved you so much, so long, I love you so much. Merlin, it feels like my heart is too big for my body when I think of how much I love you, how deep I love you. It always was like this, any time I've looked into your eyes, every time you entered the room, Merling lassie, the things you do to me, to my soul, to my heart, to my body. Hell doesn't burn as hot as your love burns me."

"But," she whispered, a guarded look in her eyes, "the girl you love."

"You are the girl I love," I smiled, pecking the tip of her nose gently, "You are the girl I love, you always were the only girl I ever loved."

"Why," she asked, "Why would you do this to me then, James?" a tear rolled down her soft cheek, burning a hole right on my heart.

"Because I am an idiot," I whispered, my own tears joining hers. I brushed her cheek gently, kissing her forehead, "Because I am a coward, darling. I loved you. I love you so much. And I was just a lass; it doesn't justify what I caused, how to hurt you got because of me, I will regret that every second of my life, but I was scared of how much I loved you. It felt like I couldn't breathe, it felt like if I had you, and lost you, I couldn't live anymore. And I ran away. I pushed you away. Merlin knows how much I hate myself for that. Merlin knows I regret every second I wasn't there for you. But, I still love you so much, even more than before. And I needed to tell you. I needed to let you know. I can't hold it back any more; it will kill me, love."

"I can't," she sobbed, pushing me, "I can't."

Her hands were shaking; she was leaning on the counter, trying to collect her breath. I hugged her from behind, pulling her into my chest. Her fingers curled around the piece of my t-shirt, and she sobbed into me. I pulled her closer, pulling both of us down to sit on the kitchen floor, her shaking body between my legs, resting against my torso.

"I love you," I whispered, crying into her hair, "I love you. And I am sorry, I am so, so sorry."

***

She fell asleep in my eyes, tears leaving wet spots on my shirt. I lifted the curvaceous girl in my arms, carrying her to her bed. I tucked her in, with a gentle kiss on her temple.

"James," she whispered, eyes still closed, "stay."

"Are you sure, love?" I asked, kneeling next to her bed gently, brushing her hair, that was sticking to her wet cheeks.

"I am tired, James," she whispered, "I am tired of being scared."

And then I was climbing to her side, letting her curl against me, head finding its place on my chest, as my arms wound around her softness. 

"You don't need to be scared; ever again, my love. I promise you. I will always be here. I will always protect you."


	3. A Year After

I woke up feeling warm and being glared at. The warmth was coming from the beautiful woman in my arms, still asleep, her face buried in my chest, hands loosely resting on my stomach. My arms were tight around her plush body, careful to hold her close but not too tight. The smell of her shampoo spreading to my nose, filling my nose with her scent, I pressed a small kiss to the top of her head, inhaling the intoxicating smell of the woman more. And opened my eyes, to meet Sirius' angry grey eyes, as expected.

"Good morning, arsehole," he hissed, glaring at my arms around her, "Get the hell up; we need to talk." I sighed following him, after covering (Y/N) with soft blankets. Just after we entered the living room, Sirius turned to me harshly. 

"Look, Potter, you are my brother, you are. But if I'll have to choose between you and (Y/N), I will always choose her. I, we let her down way too many times. I know Remus trusts you with her, I know he is ready to give you a chance with this relationship as you allegedly came clear with your feelings. But I know you. You don't have the guts to love her fully. In good days, in the honeymoon phase? Yes. But when things get serious, when she'll have bad days, you won't be there. You are spoiled and like when things are easy, she is not easy, she never was and now that she had to go through hell things are even harder with her. She cannot take another heartbreak, not from you. So don't start this, you won't be able to be there for her, you won't stay by her side, you will leave the moment someone easier will come by, and she will be left in a deeper mess. More heart broked. And Merlin knows if she will be able to get better, she is struggling to get better right now. She will be destroyed if you will betray her a second time. So don't start what you can't finish."

"I love her Sirius," I said. I loved her. I love her. She was the woman of my life.

"You loved her for years, that didn't change the fact that she got more than hurt because of you. And I am not going to risk it until you prove that you will be there for her even when the whole bloody world is crashing down."

"Sirius, I will. I almost lost her. I can't even handle the thought of losing her again. Please, please believe me. I love her Sirius, and I love her so much. I love her with everything I am, and I know I can't erase the terrors she had to go through because of me, and I will regret every second of pain I caused her, every tear she had to shed because of me. And I want to make her happy, happier than she ever was. I have to earn her trust again; first, I have to earn your trust either, I know. And I swear I am working on it, Pads. I swear I want to make things better, I want her to be as free and as happy she was before. But sometimes I just get lost in her beauty, and I know it looks like I am doing nothing, but I am trying. There is no other woman that I can love as I love her; there is no other woman who can ever compare to her and how she makes my heartbeat."

"But can you handle that love?"

***

I was making tea for her, a special blend that made her calm and relaxed. She was curled into the armchair, a book in her lap, a fluffy blanket covering her legs. One of Sirius's sweaters covering her upper half, which, even though I tried to deny it, made me jealous. I knew Sirius was in a happy relationship with Remus, I knew she was like a sister to him, but the small article of clothing made my heart burn with envy. 

"Here you go darling girl," I said, sitting next to her, placing the tea on the coffee table next to her. She gave me a small smile, returning to her book. She was reading a lot these days, especially Muggle literature, Sirius hunted for her, with the help of Remus of course. I went to get the newspaper and tried to focus on that, if I could with the goddess resting next to me. After a while, I gave up on trying to read that and turned my face to watch her. She was soft and round. Her face was pointing downwards, the softness of her under chin prominent, hair brushed back, her upper half soft. Legs thick and feet bare, round toes peaking from the blankets. She was beautiful, homely and beautiful. 

"You are staring Jaime," she whispered, a nickname I haven't heard in years, a nickname that made my heart sing, mouth dry. I smiled at her, meeting her gaze. Even her lashes were perfect. Everything about her was perfect. 

"It is hard not to," I smiled, reaching to hold her smaller hand in mine. Her fingers much shorter than mine, I rubbed her palm, following the lines of it. My thumb found the pointy part of her wrist, admiring the strength and elegancy of it. Her skin was a wee bit colder than mine, which gave me even more reason to hold onto her for longer. 

"What do you mean?" she asked, shyly. 

"You are gorgeous darling, and with that book and blanket, in the middle of the living room. Looking at you, enjoying your beauty, everything is too cosy, too homey. And Merlin woman, I want to hold you forever."

"Stop it, Jamie," she said, trying to hide her face. 

"I love you; you know that," I said moving to her, resting my free arm around her shoulders, pulling her to my chest, her forehead found its place against the column of my neck, as she moved to me. I pulled the hand in mine to my lips, pressing small kisses on the gentle skin. She giggled when I started kissing the fingertips of her hand: Merlin, the sweetness of her giggles. 

"What do you want to do today, darling?" I asked.

"I don't really know," she said, changing her position a bit and taking a sip of her tea. I rubbed her upper arm gently, resting my chin on top of her head. 

"It is a bit chilly out there," I said, watching the wind shaking the leaves on the trees. "Maybe we could go for a play? We haven't visited the muggle world in a while now. You have been reading a lot of Shakespeare lately; maybe we could find a ticket for one of his plays?" I asked.

"That would be amazing, Jaime," she beamed at me, a rare moment of pure happiness on her face, gorgeous woman. Books, literature and arts were healing her soul, even better than any of us could. And we all were trying to give as many of these as we could to her. 

"Get dressed then love," I smiled, "There won't be a play we haven't seen by the end of this month." 

She was wearing a long-sleeved black top with fitted cuffs and cowl neck, her collarbones on view, making me want to kiss the skin visible, suck on her delicate flesh. Her round hips were covered with simple black pants, her soft curves on display. 

"You look, beautiful."

"Thank you, Prongs," she smiled, "You aren't looking bad either." I offered her my arm, and she held onto it, standing right next to me. I apparated both of us to the theatre's quiet corner. My hand slipped to grasp hers, her fingers gripping mine. King Lear was playing today, and we bought two tickets. She was sitting right next to me, my arm around her shoulders, letting her rest against my torso, in the guise of making more space for both of us. The arm she had closer to me was around my back, hand resting on my side. The part of my flesh where her hand was touching, was burning. I wanted that burn all over; I wanted her all over me. It wasn't even sexual, the need to feel her all over. I just wanted her to be next to me, her soul, her magic to touch mine, intervene with mine. I wanted to be a part of her. I wanted to worship her; I wanted to jump through hoops for her. Her beautiful eyes were focused on the scene, mine was too, but I couldn't help but steal glances of the woman. She loved Muggle theatres; she loved plays. And almost a year after what she went through, she was in a better mental state, that let her enjoy things she loved. We still stood in an uncertain place, much more romantic than friendship but not quite a couple yet. A lot of hugs, holding onto each other, kisses and real kisses some times. I would curl around her at nights, shielding her from the outside world, protecting her, giving her the warmth and safety she asked for. She would look at me with pretty doe eyes of her's and I would melt. Sirius, although still wary, was now accepting of our relationship, or whatever it was. I would whisper how beautiful she looked, how much I loved her, how I wanted to worship her until my last breath every day. She never uttered those words, "I love you", but she would hold my face in her tiny hands, and it was enough. She would share her touch with me, and I was content. She would rest her head against my chest, and I was happy. 

We walked back home, my scarf wrapped around her neck, her hand in mine. We weren't in any rush, enjoying the evening, enjoying the peace of having each other. Back at home Sirius and Remus were watching some TV, and she joined them, Sirius welcoming her under his arm, and I went to take a shower. After washing myself thoroughly, I dressed into a thin t-shirt and some sweatpants, padding to find her. Remus and Sirius were back in their room, and I went to her helping her stand up, pulling her to her room, well our room as we slept there together every night. I helped her take off the light makeup she was wearing and brushed her hair. She changed into her pyjamas as I turned to face the other side. She didn't really have any issues about nudity with me; we spent too many hours together not to get glimpses of each other's flesh. I laid on my back, waiting for her to join me. She curled to my side, ear pressed against my chest, as I rubbed her hipbone.

"Good night, darling," I whispered, listening to her breaths getting deeper and deeper.

"Good night, Jaime," she whispered, her soft exhales hitting my skin through the fabric of the t-shirt. I closed my eyes, holding onto her tighter, she was here, she was okay, and I would protect her from anything and anyone. She was safe now; she will be safe always, as long as there is a hitch of a breath in my lungs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uni, internship and projects are kicking my ass.


	4. The First Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time makes everything better.

"I am thinking of asking (Y/N) on a date," I said, taking a seep of my tea, watching Remus for any sight of reaction. Sirius and (Y/N) were in a weekend retreat. It has been almost two years since the accident, and (Y/N) was much better. Much, much better. And Sirius was more delighted than any of us, as he had his best friend almost entirely back. Weekend retreats on Muggle resorts was not a foreign concept on them, although I knew Sirius was not interested in (Y/N) in any sexual or romantic way, and that he was happy with Remus, the knowledge that they usually rented a single room with only one bed and that they cuddled all night made my blood boil. It didn't help that Sirius was the most gorgeous man I have ever met in my life, and (Y/N) trusted and loved him more than anyone in her life, even me and Remus. I knew she wasn't interested in him either, but they were closer than friends and much bonded than siblings. 

"I thought you two were kind of dating?" Remus asked, lifting his eyes off the newspaper to gaze at me. His green eyes were calculating and considerate. 

"It is complicated," I sighed, scratching my head, "We are close, romantically, we talk about almost everything, I love her, I know she sees me in a kind of a partnerish way too. We kiss, not too much to lead to a make out but it is not foreign. We share the room, the bed. It is easier to sleep together rather than in different rooms. And you see every day, how much we touch each other, seek comfort from each other. We have kind of been in a relationship for about a year now, but we never put the label, she wasn't ready yet. I was content, I am content, with what we have. And I think it causes her stress too, not knowing what we are, what we should expect from each other. I just want to make her happy, Moony. I just want her to be happy. I want to dedicate my whole life to make that girl smile. And Merlin, she deserves to be wine and dined, to be worshipped even."

"Have you planned anything?" he asked, putting his newspaper to the side. 

"There is a little restaurant she loves, just outside the theatre we go to. She always watches people there, but whenever I told her we could eat there, she says it is just a usual day and that we have food at home. So I thought of getting a table there just after a play, Phantom of the Opera is coming to the theatre, she loves musicals. And then we could just have an evening walk?"

"Seems like you planned everything Prongs," he smiled softly, "But, I think you should talk with Sirius first. He knows her mental state better than everyone else, and I see what you see, I think (Y/N/N) is better, she is happier, lighter. But Sirius knows her better than anyone else."

"He doesn't like it. Since (Y/N) and I became closer, Sirius and I are not that close anymore."

"The abuse (Y/N/N) had to face, reminds him of his own. And even though we were there, we witnessed it, all the horrors (Y/N) had to endure and heal from, Sirius knows what is it to live through it. He knows the survivor's pain. And he forgave you, after how you helped her get back from her own mind, he forgave you. But, it does not mean he will ever not choose her first. He still blames you. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things. And Sirius will protect (Y/N), even if it will cost him to cut you from his life. I think he might even cut me off his life if it comes to that."

"He loves you," I said.

"I know, but he doesn't need to keep me alive. He didn't see me almost die, he didn't see how close I was to death," he said calmly, "He had to think that he lost (Y/N) forever for a long time, not only losing her from his social circle. He could live with that, knowing although she wasn't around, she was somewhere there alive, breathing. But she almost stopped. She almost wasn't alive, breathing. And Sirius almost went crazy, James. He doesn't talk much about it, but I know he swore on his life to protect that girl from everything and everyone from now on. I know you know how to be gentle about it, and I know when it comes to (Y/N), you also know how to be patient. Be patient with Sirius, too. (Y/N) had time to heal and strengthen, but Sirius couldn't heal, nor strengthen. As he wasn't hurt really, there were no wounds to scab over. His pain wasn't caused by something he could change, his pain came from almost losing a loved one, and the risk of losing someone is not something you can ever eliminate. No matter how strong we are like wizards and witches, we are not immortal; we are open to getting hurt. Anything can kill us, and now that he saw (Y/N) brushing that close with death, he can't erase that memory, he can't forget that memory, he can't make the memory better."

"I will try to talk to him," I promised, knowing how hurt she was. How she almost lost her life because of me. 

"Just be honest," he advised. "Be honest and tell him how much it means for you to have her by her side, how dear she is to you and that there is no other woman and will not be any other woman for you. But I think it won't be enough, Sirius is ready for the possibility for you to hurt her, and protect her in that case. But he is also worried about you taking her from him. So don't only convince him that you will worship the girl, also convince him that you will not take her away from him, and play the jealous boyfriend card to limit her time with him."

Her boyfriend, Merlin, what I would give to be her official boyfriend. To be hers, to devote my life and soul to her wishes. 

***

Sirius and (Y/N) returned early Monday morning, his arm tight around her shoulders as the apparated to the living room. She looked beautiful; her whole body relaxed and renewed. I knew Sirius took her to some kind of a SPA&Yoga place. He knew where to find places to spoil her soul. 

"Welcome back, darling," I said, hugging her to my chest, as Sirius went to find his sleeping boyfriend in their room. I pressed a kiss on the girl's forehead, as she leaned into me, my hands rubbing the curve of her back, inhaling her scent into my lungs. 

"Hello," she smiled into my chest. Her arms lose around my waist. 

"Let's get your things to the room," I said, grabbing her weekend back and backpack, carrying them for her as she followed me. 

"How was your weekend, with RemRem?" she asked, sitting on the back, her thick legs curled under her, the morning light hitting her side, highlighting her curves. Making her look like a goddess, urging me to kneel in front of her ask for mercy, ask for her love, beg for her touch. I sat next to her, resting a hand on her thigh, rubbing the soft muscle. 

"Calm, you took the crazy with you," I smiled at her, she rolled her (E/C) eyes at me playfully, "We mostly talked, did the chores and hung out. How about you? How was your weekend with Pads?"

"A lot of skincare, he found a resort that did full-body masks and scrubs, look how soft my skin is," she said, pushing her arm towards me. I gently took the limb in my hands, touching the softness of her skin, pulling it to my lips, pressing kisses from her wrist to her elbow. She giggled shyly as I peppered kisses up her arm, finding her clothed shoulder, moving to her lips. She sighed into my lips as mine met hers. Out noses were caressing each other. I held onto the thick of her waist, as her hands rested down my chest, one moving up to cup the back of my neck. 

"I missed you," I whispered, resting my forehead against hers, "I missed having you around, sleeping with you in my arms, holding you, kissing you."

"I missed you, too, Jaime."

"Even though you had Sirius?" 

"Even though I had Sirius," she confirmed, smiling at my neediness, "He is a great cuddler, but not better than you." I beamed at her. Pulling her back as I laid with her tucked to my side. 

"Will you go on a date with me?" I asked, afraid to look at her face, afraid of rushing, afraid of hurting her.

"A date?" she whispered. 

"Yeah," I nodded, "I love you. I am in love with you, and I want to be yours. It is okay if you are not ready, darling. I can wait. But it feels like you are and I want to take you out, I want to pamper you, give you the world."

"You already give me the world, Jaime," she whispered, turning to face me, her cheek smushed against my upper arm. 

"I want to be yours; I want to give you my life if you let me, of course. I already got the tickets. I know how much you wanted to see Phantom of the Opera. We could have dinner at the restaurant you adore. It doesn't have to be a date, but I thought we could give it a try? To make things a tad bit more official, if you want to of course, if you feel comfortable with it."

"I am comfortable with you, with the idea of being with you. And I would love to go on a date with you," She smiled, holding my hand in her's. 

"Tomorrow then?"

"Tomorrow, then." She nodded. 

***

She was dressed in a gorgeous navy blue dress, her delicate plump arms covered with lace, her curves highlighted, a V-neck cutting to reveal the tops of her round tits pushed up by a bra. Merlin, she looked gorgeous. Sirius was whispering things in her ear, glaring at me after every sentence. I offered her my arm the moment Sirius let her go, her hand firm on my bicep.

"Are you ready, darling?" I asked, resting a hand on hers. She nodded while giving me a blinding smile. I apparated both of us, pulling her towards the restaurant she always eyed. The table I had our reservation was on the corner, where we would have our privacy, and she wouldn't be too uncomfortable with the other people. The dinner was nice, talking with her as the loess lightening of the restaurant highlighted the structure of her face, making her look even softer, more angelic. After finishing our food, we were sipping on mine, her hand in mine, my thumb brushing her wrist gently. I couldn't stop the fond smile forming on my lips, as I gazed into her (E/C) coloured eyes. She looked gorgeous, Merlin, she looked like a goddess. 

"Shall we?" I asked, glancing at the clock, the play started in 20 minutes, no harm arriving early. Knowing her anxiety, it would only be better if we arrived a wee bit earlier. She nodded, smiling. I helped her into her coat, pressing a kiss on her hair as she stood next to me. I paid for the meal not caring for her protests and hooked an arm around her middle, steering her towards the theatre. 

"Is it everything you dreamed of, the restaurant?" I asked, squeezing the soft flesh of her side under my hand. She nodded, turning her head towards me slightly. 

"It is, it was beautiful. Thank you, Jamie," she smiled, the lighter nickname she reserved for times more free and fun. Jaime was for more of calmer times when she felt romantic, melancholic even. But Jamie, Jamie was for when her heart felt lighter. She was happy. I made her happy. I pulled her hand towards me, pressing a kiss on her knuckles gently. 

"Thank you for accepting, darling," I smiled, feeling lighter, now that she was happy and right next to me. 

"Care for a quick coffee?" I asked, knowing she enjoyed sipping some during the plays. She nodded gently, and we dropped by the coffee counter before stepping into the scene. 

Our seats inside were right in the middle, and the armrest had the option to get lifted, so there was no way that I was letting that little devil separate me from the woman of my life. My arm rested around her, her eyes fixed on the scene as always, the gloomy light giving me the profile of her pretty face. I loved these plays and musicals I got to watch with her, but, I would lie if I said I paid 100% of my attention to what was happening up there. Her beauty and presence too alluring, distracting. It wasn't different today, if what, it was worse. Knowing she was by my side as my date and not just friend, made my insides giddy. 

"You need to watch the play, too," she whispered, looking at me.

"I do, my whole peripheral is focused on that," I said.

"Jamie," she sighed, smiling.

"Can't take my eyes of you, darling. Never could, you know that."

"Stop," she whispered.

"Can't help that I love you, (Y/N/N)."

***

We walked back home as always, her hand in mine, in no rush, just enjoying the evening chill and the feeling of content after having an amazing night together with the realisation of having something more and deeper present in our minds. The keys were in my hands. I was about the open the door but didn't want to. I didn't want this evening to end. I didn't want to lose the feeling of having her as my date.

"May I have a kiss?" I whispered, fingers brushing against the gentle skin of her soft jaw. 

"You can have a kiss inside, too," she smiled at me. 

"But can I have one here?" I asked, pouting a little, she giggled at me, pulling me by the collar of my shirt, pressing her lips to mine, standing on her tiptoes. I held onto her waist, pressing her chest to mine, enjoying the plushness of it, how her tits lost their shaped smushed against my ribs. 

"I love you," I whispered, into her lips. Pressing gentle kisses along her chin and jaw. 

"I love you, too, Jamie," she whispered, shyly and a bit self-conscious. But her stance relaxed when a smile almost tore my face in two. I hugged her deeper into my chest. Enjoying the last seconds of our first official date, first of many, first of million even billion, if I would be able to fit them into our lifetime. Everything would be okay, from now on, I would make sure of that. 


	5. Sap

I was watching (Y/N) as she slept, the early morning sun making her soft skin glow, the small bumps on her cheeks and forehead left from all the acne and skin issues we all head growing up, her curled lashes kissing her cheeks, her soft lips a bit open, breath escaping from her mouth. Merlin those lips. Yesterday was the first time I really got to kiss her, holding her by the waist, pressing her to my body, first time kissing her as my girlfriend. The first time my tongue explored the secret corner of her mouth, bit her lip, sucked the breath out of her lungs. And I wanted to do that again. I wanted to kiss her until the life left my body. I wanted to die with her sweet taste in my tongue. I brushed the hair off her face, I brushed her temple, finger following the shell of her ear. I just wanted to memorise her, memorise every millimetre of her. 

''Jaime,'' she huffed, turning to her side, burying her face into the side of my chest. Pushing an arm around my torso. I held her closer to me, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

''Good morning, my love,'' I said smiling. I squeezed her to myself gently.

''I don't want to wake up yet,'' she said, her voice muffled by my sleeping shirt. 

''It is morning though,'' I said. Her hand moved to my chest, resting right above my heart. I put my hand on her smaller one.

''It is too early to be morning,'' she whined, ''Why are you awake? You hate early mornings.''

''I couldn't see you when I was asleep,'' I said, brushing her hair, trying to see her gorgeous features, she just poked my chest, to stop me. I smiled at her. She snuggled further into my neck, her nose pocking the column of my neck. 

''You are cheesy,'' she murmured. I pulled the covers over her to make sure she wasn't cold. Her sleeping dress was curving over her round body, her smaller feet cold against my shins. I rubbed her soft hip, kissed her head once more. 

''Not my fault, I love you,'' I laughed, enjoying how her soft breasts pushed against my side, how her round tummy pushed into my ribs, how one of her thick legs was wrapped around my hips. The more time we spent, the more physical she got with me, the more comfortable she got. And I enjoyed it. I enjoyed her trust more than I enjoyed her voluptuous body. 

''It is too early to be this sappy, Potter,'' she mumbled. Still sleepy, still soft, still gorgeous. 

''Let me make you breakfast?'' I asked, trying to get up. 

''But you are warm,'' she moaned, holding tighter onto me, little plush koala she is. 

''And you are beautiful,'' I smiled, rubbing the dip of her lower back, ''But I want to take care of you, I want to feed you.''

''I am not a pet,'' she said making me laugh.

''You are my pet,'' I whispered, ''Just like I am yours. Well, a stag is not much of a pet, but if you want to pet me, I am all in.''

''Sirius would make a much better pet,'' she said, making my chest boil in jealousy. Sirius. I couldn't help the growl ripping from my throat. With every other girl, I was okay being compared to Sirius. But knowing (Y/N) and his closeness, knowing how (Y/N) was it for me, just awoke something primal in me. She giggled at the growl, smoothing my chest down my stomach, resting on my hip bone. Merlin this woman's touch. Although the way her hand sliding down my torso awoke something in my southern regions, I couldn't deny how it made me forget the burning jealousy inside me as if she threw a glass of water to it. I held her other hand in my palm, pulling it to my lips, pressing small kisses to her palm. 

''Remus can pet Sirius however long he wants,'' I said, ''So can you, pet me however you want sweet girl.''

''Since when are you this possessive?'' she asked, lifting my head, gracing me with her pretty eyes and poetic face.

''It is not a time thing really, it is you making me this possessive,'' I whispered, ''Such a gorgeous woman, my darling girl, the love of my bloody life.''

''Sap,'' she giggled, reaching to kiss my jaw, her hand cupping my neck. 

''Am I free to make breakfast for my lovely girlfriend?'' I asked, bopping her nose with mine, rubbing some Eskimo kisses. 

''You can if you'll lend me a sweater,'' she said cheekily.

''Darling, you own me and my heart, clothes are nothing you are to lend, they already belong to you,'' I pressed kisses to her forehead. A couple of minutes later, she was wrapped into my sweater and sweatpants. One of my socks wrapped in her tiny feet. I was cooking some eggs and toast, as I watched her making coffee by my side. Gorgeous girl. I just wanted this for the rest of my life; her wrapped in my clothes, a content smile on her soft lips and peace around us. But the peace didn't really last long, as a couple of minutes later, Sirius marched in dressed in sleeping pants his built torso bare. I could feel the irritation rising in my gut. And as if to make things worse, he went straight to (Y/N), wrapping his arms around her gentle form, pressing her to his naked chest. She giggled as he squeezed her sides a tad bit too much and slapped his shoulder.

''Morning Doudou,'' he said, kissing her cheek gently. She smiled at him, magnificent woman. He kept her pressed against him, just to irritate me. Merlin, I hated what he was doing, I hated knowing what he was doing and why more. He rubbed her side gently, kissing her cheek.

''Morning, Siri,'' she smiled at him. Hugging him back. Remus followed his boyfriend a couple of minutes later, wrapped in a cosy sweater and sweatpants. He rolled his eyes at Sirius' antics, and how he was clinging on my girl. Remus went to help me, while Sirius pulled (Y/N) away whispering in her ear. His fingers were already around hers, pulling her soft body after himself. 

''He just wants to make sure she is okay,'' Remus said, now busy with the coffee (Y/N) left.

''And is touching her that much a part of making sure she is?'' I asked, already knowing the answer.

''No, that is to make sure you are not.''

***

(Y/N) was working with Remus now, which gave Sirius and me more reasons to visit bookshop a couple of times a day. Remus was a nice boss, and I knew (Y/N) loved the peace of the shop. It healed her soul. It was their lunch break, and Sirius and I were carrying the food and drinks there. Remus was upfront and motioned the back shelves when he noticed me looking around. I walked there seeing her back turned to me, standing on her tiptoes, reaching for an upper shelf. Her round bum perked up in that position; I stalked behind her wrapping my arms around her thick torso. She giggled, noticing me. I took the book she was reaching for. 

''Thank you, Jamie,'' she giggled, turning herself in my arms, pecking my jaw gently. 

''Nothing to thank,'' I smiled, kissing her lips, enjoying the aftertaste of coffee in her soft mouth. 

''You guys are early,'' she said, resting a hand on my chest.

''Missed you too much, love,'' I smiled, pecking the tip of her nose. My arms still circling around her, her soft tummy pressed against my front. 

''Sap,'' she giggled, burying her face into my neck. 

''Let's go before Pads gets ideas,'' I said, pulling her after me by her hips. Sirius lifted his eyes when he noticed us. Pulling (Y/N) out of my arms to hug his best friend. 

The lunch went nice, (Y/N) was curled under my arm in the large seat in the corner of the shop, peppering kisses on her head and hair. Remus and Sirius were probably snogging somewhere around the back of the shop. I didn't really care, (Y/N) was by my side and I didn't need anything else in this world.

''Do you have a lot of work?'' she asked, her fingers drawing little circles on my chest.

''Not really, I finished most of the paperwork in the morning, I will help Pads with his, you know how lazy he is.'' She giggled at that, resting her head on my shoulder, I combed her hair with my fingers, tucking them behind her ear, just to be able to see her angelic face a bit more clearer. I cupped her jaw, enjoying how the flesh under her chin relaxed soft on my fingers. I rubbed her round cheek bone softly with my thumb, kissing the top of her head gently. 

''Is Remus treating you right?'' I asked I knew he was, I trusted him, but still, when it came to her well being, I could never be too cautious. She smiled at me, smoothing the lapels of my shirt, pressing a kiss to my lips. 

''He is the sweetest man alive, you already know that,'' she smiled.

''I am not the sweetest man alive?'' I asked, pouting a little. She kissed the pout off my lips, burying her short fingers in my hair. 

''You are the cutest man alive, is that good for you?'' she asked, I squeezed her side, pulling her to straddle me, squeezing her bum.

''And you are the smartest, kindest and prettiest woman in this bloody world,'' I whispered, kissing her lips, biting the lower one, ''A goddess, really.''

''You are spoiling me,'' she said, her face heated, eyes down from shyness.

''Well, my darling girl, I hope to spoil you rotten for the rest of our days, really.''

''You know I don't need that,'' she smiled, cupping my face, her eyes soft but a tad bit hurt, from horrors of her memories, ''I love what we have now, Jaime. You and me, all four of us. I can't ask for more.''

''You can always ask for more,'' I promised, rubbing the soft flesh under my palms, ''You can ask for the bloody stars in the sky, and I will do everything in my power to get them for you. You can ask for my life, and I will give it to you. You can ask for my heart, and I will cut my bloody heart out of my chest.''

Her gentle hands pressed right on top of my chest, smoothing the muscle there, ''I like your heart, right where it is,'' she smiled at me. 

***

It was the summer now, air much lighter and warmer. (Y/N) walking around in her pretty sundresses, her thick arms bare, top of her back on view, her shapely legs on display. Merlin, I couldn't get enough of her in those dresses, I couldn't stop watching her. I couldn't take my bloody eyes off of her plump figure. We spent a lot of time in my parents' summer house. Remus and Sirius away in a trip in Europe. There was a little pond not far away from the house, small, secluded and clean. We would walk there in the evenings when the sun still was around. The sun was warm but not scalding anymore. She dressed in a beach dress, a dark blue one-piece under that dress. We both took our outer layers off, to dip into the water—Merlin that sight. The wet fabric of that bloody suit clinging to her curves, dips and rolls, sides of her round bum on view, her legs bare, her tits pushed up. She would tie her hair on top of her head, to avoid it sticking on her back and shoulders. I swam to her, to wrap my arms around her. Her wet torso was pressing against my bare one.

''Looking rather magnificent, aren't we?'' I asked, kissing her shoulders, enjoying the coolness of water dripping down the length of her arm. 

''You are,'' she said, brushing her fingers on my jaw, ''Rather magnificent indeed.''

''Even without my glasses, I can't unsee your beauty,'' I smiled at her. Bending down to capture her lips in mine, she sighed into my mouth, following lines of my chest and stomach, brushing her fingertips down my rips, resting her hand on my hip, the other holding to the back of my neck. I held onto her side, squeezing the meat under my palms, her tits pressing to me. 

''Sap,'' she smiled, kissing me once more. 

''Only for you. Always for you.''

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think.


End file.
